Sunday, 03 November 2019 20:03

The Expert Saboteur — Part 1 Featured

Written by
Rate this item
(0 votes)

The self-saboteur pushes others away. I was writing about the loneliness of the most successful when I somehow changed course as I was analysing the reasons some successful people destroy their success. They wreck their marriage and relationship, business and money, etc. It is not a guarantee that when you make it to the top, you will stay on top.

I had a five-hours-plus counselling with a couple who worked together, suffered, starved until they were successful. They were building a mansion in their native country in Africa. Lots of their peers envy them, but by the time I was meeting with them, they had seen four marriage counsellors, and they decided they will end the marriage and share their labour if after meeting with me they could not reconcile.

The reason I spent all those hours counselling this couple was because I was researching on their issue, collecting data, analysing the data so I can advise. Any data I receive doesn’t make sense. It brings the need to ask more questions – research until the data started making sense. I spent quality time to mine the data, separated the data, analyse and applied. Everyone agreed with the root cause the moment I identified the real issue, and that alone was the solution to whatever was the reason they thought they were separating.

As a Relationship and Christian Sex Meditation Counsellor, I found in most Christian or religious breakup, most couples collaborated and had a dream together. They built their vision, and soon one partner starts sabotaging the dream or the relationship unconsciously. These couples suffered and made a life of success, and once they are successful, they discover the cracks they never paid attention earlier, the breaks they covered with prayer was no longer a crack. It has given way, exploded into thin air. Couples that were once emulated by all are in a rush to end the relationship and find their separate ways.

In life, you never plan what will happen to you. You plan what you want to achieve, but on your journey, the things you cannot control will sometimes try to redefine the outcome. You have a choice to allow the narrative of the challenge or you change the story by not reacting but responding. Couples who people envy start struggling, and they will not share their struggles with loved ones. They become depressed and thinking about taking their life. For these couples, the success they acquired made things worse or brought out the worst in them.

Why will people jeopardise their happiness all because they became successful in an endeavour? Success’ means different things to different people, but it’s something that we all seek in our way. Many obstacles can get in the way of finding one’s version of success, whatever that may be. It does not matter which areas they experienced success, and they can somehow tend to jeopardise anything good around them. Whether you refer to it as self-defeating behaviour or standing in your way, self-sabotage can interfere with the best-laid plans and goals. Why do they do it? There are indeed many reasons why, instead of shooting for the moon, they end up aiming right for their foot.  They become their worst enemy.

Self-sabotage is any action that gets in the way of your intent. Call it getting in your way, jeopardising your success, call it self-defeating behaviour, call it shooting yourself accidentally in the foot, it is what we know as self-sabotaging. It can be unconscious, and most people are in denial. Many people destroy their relationship, fantastic marriage, business, and success in any endeavour through self-sabotage.

They have an unconscious feeling like they are not worthy; they do not deserve to be successful. Sometimes, it could be underlining guilt. A little concept called cognitive dissonance gives us the answer. People like to be consistent. Usually, our actions line up with our beliefs and values. But when they don’t, they get uncomfortable and try to line them up again. That’s why, if they start to stack up some achievements, but think they’re worthless, incapable, or fill-in-the-blank deficient, they pull the plug to get rid of the disagreement. It feels wrong to fail, but not as bad as it does to succeed.

Another reason why people are self-sabotaging is the need for control. On their part, unconsciously, they feel better to control their failure rather than allowing it to blindside them. They have the in-depth feeling they are not capable of sharing the love so unconsciously; they create problems from issues that are not problematic. They are on a quest to destroy what they think they are not capable of giving. Since they cannot give, they are too proud to receive. They are spinning out of control, so they indulge in self-sabotage.

I come to observe that most marriages fail when couples have achieved a dream together. Initially, they struggled, dig in, and finally, they are reaping the fruit of their hard work. Then one partner is scared and starts screwing things up, frustrate and anger their spouse. They push their spouse to hate them, so they have a reason to end the marriage or relationship. They become too stupid and no longer make any sense. Soon they succeed in offending their spouse. They get what they always wanted, divorce. They did everything to drive the marriage to fail. They can’t see they are the issue. They blame their better half and have good reasons.

Context-specific is the specific reasons why someone may self-sabotage their relationship. People are different with different past: parenting, childhood, teenage years and first serious relationships all affect how we act right now. One big reason most people sabotage their relationships is the fear of intimacy. They are afraid of emotional or physical closeness with other people, mostly from people who love them. We all crave for intimacy, but some people with specific experiences may find the intimacy linked to a cynical and not positive experience. They then exhibit a "push-and-pull"-type behaviour that leads to a relationship breakup or avoidance.

Some people who have experienced childhood trauma (physical, sexual, emotional) or abusive parental relationship have a certain degree of fear of intimacy. They are afraid they will get hurt by people they trust. The moment they trust their spouse, they tend to sabotage the relationship because trust makes them weak. It is a psychological problem and not spiritual. Their earlier trusting relationship with parents or caregivers were broken by abuse. People who fear intimacy believe that people who love them will inevitably hurt them.

Most people often want success so badly that they ruin it before it begins. Overthinking, fantasising;  Imagining; Expecting; Worrying; and Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve. All self-sabotage, lack of belief in themselves, low self-esteem, judgements, criticisms, and demands for perfection are forms of self-abuse in which one destroys the very essence of their vitality. Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind always eventually wins. People with low self-esteem are more likely to sabotage themselves when something good happens to them because they don't feel deserving.

4537 comments

  • Comment Link hermes outlet Thursday, 18 January 2024 17:33 posted by hermes outlet

    I am also commenting to make you know what a useful discovery our child encountered studying your blog. She discovered so many details, not to mention what it's like to have a very effective helping spirit to let other people without problems fully understand selected tricky subject matter. You really surpassed our expected results. Thanks for giving these important, dependable, edifying as well as easy thoughts on that topic to Sandra.

  • Comment Link off white outlet Thursday, 18 January 2024 14:34 posted by off white outlet

    I am only writing to make you be aware of what a great experience my child encountered reading through your site. She came to understand so many pieces, including what it is like to possess an ideal teaching nature to make other people without difficulty learn about a variety of problematic matters. You really surpassed readers' expectations. Many thanks for coming up with those good, dependable, explanatory as well as fun tips on that topic to Janet.

  • Comment Link Ivyslems Thursday, 18 January 2024 14:15 posted by Ivyslems

    bactrim generic brand

  • Comment Link stephen curry shoes Thursday, 18 January 2024 13:22 posted by stephen curry shoes

    Thanks so much for giving everyone remarkably brilliant opportunity to check tips from this web site. It's usually so beneficial and stuffed with a lot of fun for me personally and my office fellow workers to visit your blog minimum three times a week to find out the newest tips you will have. Of course, we are actually happy for the spectacular opinions served by you. Selected 3 points on this page are in truth the most impressive we have all ever had.

  • Comment Link cheap jordan shoes Thursday, 18 January 2024 10:41 posted by cheap jordan shoes

    I would like to show my thanks to you just for bailing me out of such a predicament. As a result of searching through the the web and getting solutions which are not helpful, I thought my entire life was done. Being alive minus the approaches to the difficulties you have fixed through your good posting is a critical case, as well as the ones which may have badly affected my career if I had not noticed your web page. That competence and kindness in controlling every aspect was invaluable. I am not sure what I would've done if I hadn't discovered such a point like this. I can at this time look ahead to my future. Thanks a lot very much for this high quality and result oriented help. I will not think twice to recommend the blog to anybody who wants and needs recommendations about this topic.

  • Comment Link RichardWeest Thursday, 18 January 2024 08:15 posted by RichardWeest

    robaxin 750 cost

  • Comment Link curry 9 Thursday, 18 January 2024 05:04 posted by curry 9

    Thank you a lot for providing individuals with remarkably nice opportunity to read from this site. It really is very sweet and as well , jam-packed with a lot of fun for me and my office friends to visit the blog at the least three times per week to learn the latest stuff you have. And definitely, I am also usually pleased with all the brilliant guidelines you give. Some two facts on this page are in fact the most impressive we have all ever had.

  • Comment Link supreme Thursday, 18 January 2024 04:33 posted by supreme

    My husband and i were really joyful Michael managed to finish up his investigation out of the ideas he grabbed while using the blog. It's not at all simplistic to just be giving away tips and hints that many some others could have been making money from. We really recognize we've got the blog owner to give thanks to because of that. All the explanations you've made, the straightforward site menu, the friendships your site make it easier to promote - it's got all astonishing, and it is aiding our son and our family consider that that subject is exciting, and that's truly pressing. Thank you for all!

  • Comment Link curry 8 Thursday, 18 January 2024 01:19 posted by curry 8

    I intended to put you the little bit of remark to say thank you over again over the precious advice you've discussed here. This has been simply tremendously generous with people like you to make easily what a few individuals would've sold as an electronic book to help make some dough for their own end, particularly considering that you might have done it in the event you wanted. These smart ideas also worked like the good way to understand that most people have the same eagerness like mine to realize a great deal more with regard to this matter. Certainly there are a lot more pleasurable sessions in the future for many who looked over your site.

  • Comment Link RichardWeest Thursday, 18 January 2024 01:05 posted by RichardWeest

    zyban tablets

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter all the required information, indicated by an asterisk (*). HTML code is not allowed.