Sunday, 03 November 2019 20:03

The Expert Saboteur — Part 1 Featured

Written by
Rate this item
(0 votes)

The self-saboteur pushes others away. I was writing about the loneliness of the most successful when I somehow changed course as I was analysing the reasons some successful people destroy their success. They wreck their marriage and relationship, business and money, etc. It is not a guarantee that when you make it to the top, you will stay on top.

I had a five-hours-plus counselling with a couple who worked together, suffered, starved until they were successful. They were building a mansion in their native country in Africa. Lots of their peers envy them, but by the time I was meeting with them, they had seen four marriage counsellors, and they decided they will end the marriage and share their labour if after meeting with me they could not reconcile.

The reason I spent all those hours counselling this couple was because I was researching on their issue, collecting data, analysing the data so I can advise. Any data I receive doesn’t make sense. It brings the need to ask more questions – research until the data started making sense. I spent quality time to mine the data, separated the data, analyse and applied. Everyone agreed with the root cause the moment I identified the real issue, and that alone was the solution to whatever was the reason they thought they were separating.

As a Relationship and Christian Sex Meditation Counsellor, I found in most Christian or religious breakup, most couples collaborated and had a dream together. They built their vision, and soon one partner starts sabotaging the dream or the relationship unconsciously. These couples suffered and made a life of success, and once they are successful, they discover the cracks they never paid attention earlier, the breaks they covered with prayer was no longer a crack. It has given way, exploded into thin air. Couples that were once emulated by all are in a rush to end the relationship and find their separate ways.

In life, you never plan what will happen to you. You plan what you want to achieve, but on your journey, the things you cannot control will sometimes try to redefine the outcome. You have a choice to allow the narrative of the challenge or you change the story by not reacting but responding. Couples who people envy start struggling, and they will not share their struggles with loved ones. They become depressed and thinking about taking their life. For these couples, the success they acquired made things worse or brought out the worst in them.

Why will people jeopardise their happiness all because they became successful in an endeavour? Success’ means different things to different people, but it’s something that we all seek in our way. Many obstacles can get in the way of finding one’s version of success, whatever that may be. It does not matter which areas they experienced success, and they can somehow tend to jeopardise anything good around them. Whether you refer to it as self-defeating behaviour or standing in your way, self-sabotage can interfere with the best-laid plans and goals. Why do they do it? There are indeed many reasons why, instead of shooting for the moon, they end up aiming right for their foot.  They become their worst enemy.

Self-sabotage is any action that gets in the way of your intent. Call it getting in your way, jeopardising your success, call it self-defeating behaviour, call it shooting yourself accidentally in the foot, it is what we know as self-sabotaging. It can be unconscious, and most people are in denial. Many people destroy their relationship, fantastic marriage, business, and success in any endeavour through self-sabotage.

They have an unconscious feeling like they are not worthy; they do not deserve to be successful. Sometimes, it could be underlining guilt. A little concept called cognitive dissonance gives us the answer. People like to be consistent. Usually, our actions line up with our beliefs and values. But when they don’t, they get uncomfortable and try to line them up again. That’s why, if they start to stack up some achievements, but think they’re worthless, incapable, or fill-in-the-blank deficient, they pull the plug to get rid of the disagreement. It feels wrong to fail, but not as bad as it does to succeed.

Another reason why people are self-sabotaging is the need for control. On their part, unconsciously, they feel better to control their failure rather than allowing it to blindside them. They have the in-depth feeling they are not capable of sharing the love so unconsciously; they create problems from issues that are not problematic. They are on a quest to destroy what they think they are not capable of giving. Since they cannot give, they are too proud to receive. They are spinning out of control, so they indulge in self-sabotage.

I come to observe that most marriages fail when couples have achieved a dream together. Initially, they struggled, dig in, and finally, they are reaping the fruit of their hard work. Then one partner is scared and starts screwing things up, frustrate and anger their spouse. They push their spouse to hate them, so they have a reason to end the marriage or relationship. They become too stupid and no longer make any sense. Soon they succeed in offending their spouse. They get what they always wanted, divorce. They did everything to drive the marriage to fail. They can’t see they are the issue. They blame their better half and have good reasons.

Context-specific is the specific reasons why someone may self-sabotage their relationship. People are different with different past: parenting, childhood, teenage years and first serious relationships all affect how we act right now. One big reason most people sabotage their relationships is the fear of intimacy. They are afraid of emotional or physical closeness with other people, mostly from people who love them. We all crave for intimacy, but some people with specific experiences may find the intimacy linked to a cynical and not positive experience. They then exhibit a "push-and-pull"-type behaviour that leads to a relationship breakup or avoidance.

Some people who have experienced childhood trauma (physical, sexual, emotional) or abusive parental relationship have a certain degree of fear of intimacy. They are afraid they will get hurt by people they trust. The moment they trust their spouse, they tend to sabotage the relationship because trust makes them weak. It is a psychological problem and not spiritual. Their earlier trusting relationship with parents or caregivers were broken by abuse. People who fear intimacy believe that people who love them will inevitably hurt them.

Most people often want success so badly that they ruin it before it begins. Overthinking, fantasising;  Imagining; Expecting; Worrying; and Doubting. Just let it naturally evolve. All self-sabotage, lack of belief in themselves, low self-esteem, judgements, criticisms, and demands for perfection are forms of self-abuse in which one destroys the very essence of their vitality. Self-sabotage is like a game of mental tug-of-war. It is the conscious mind versus the subconscious mind where the subconscious mind always eventually wins. People with low self-esteem are more likely to sabotage themselves when something good happens to them because they don't feel deserving.

5696 comments

  • Comment Link Sueslems Friday, 04 November 2022 16:59 posted by Sueslems

    cheap albuterol online

  • Comment Link fear of god Friday, 04 November 2022 12:26 posted by fear of god

    Thanks a lot for giving everyone an extremely special chance to check tips from this web site. It's always so pleasurable and also jam-packed with a great time for me personally and my office peers to search your site at minimum three times in one week to study the newest items you will have. And of course, I'm just at all times satisfied considering the outstanding techniques you serve. Selected 3 facts in this post are truly the most beneficial we've had.

  • Comment Link Maryslems Friday, 04 November 2022 10:47 posted by Maryslems

    azithromycin price australia lisinopril cost 5mg medication lisinopril 20 mg lyrica 225 mg cost furosemide prescription buy metformin online without prescription amoxil capsule 500mg dexamethasone 4 mg tablet india

  • Comment Link kd 15 Friday, 04 November 2022 07:43 posted by kd 15

    I and my buddies ended up digesting the nice procedures found on your site and so the sudden got an awful feeling I never expressed respect to the web site owner for those tips. My ladies appeared to be for that reason warmed to learn all of them and already have unquestionably been taking pleasure in these things. Thanks for truly being considerably thoughtful and then for having such outstanding resources most people are really eager to know about. Our sincere apologies for not saying thanks to sooner.

  • Comment Link kyrie 7 Friday, 04 November 2022 00:27 posted by kyrie 7

    I simply needed to thank you very much once more. I'm not certain the things that I would have achieved without the entire thoughts revealed by you directly on such a subject matter. It had become a scary circumstance in my opinion, however , being able to see this specialised technique you dealt with the issue forced me to leap over contentment. Now i am happier for your service and in addition hope that you recognize what a powerful job that you're undertaking educating many others with the aid of your web page. I'm certain you haven't encountered any of us.

  • Comment Link jordan shoes Thursday, 03 November 2022 20:17 posted by jordan shoes

    I not to mention my friends came checking out the nice techniques from your web page and so instantly I had a terrible suspicion I never expressed respect to the web site owner for those techniques. The women ended up certainly very interested to see them and already have definitely been taking advantage of these things. Many thanks for actually being so thoughtful and for pick out this kind of nice information most people are really desirous to understand about. My personal honest regret for not saying thanks to you earlier.

  • Comment Link yeezy 700 Thursday, 03 November 2022 11:17 posted by yeezy 700

    I and my pals have already been digesting the excellent helpful hints from the blog while the sudden came up with a horrible suspicion I never thanked you for them. Most of the young men came totally thrilled to learn them and already have pretty much been making the most of these things. Thanks for indeed being really accommodating and for opting for varieties of magnificent resources millions of individuals are really desperate to know about. Our honest apologies for not expressing appreciation to you earlier.

  • Comment Link kd 12 shoes Thursday, 03 November 2022 06:41 posted by kd 12 shoes

    A lot of thanks for your whole efforts on this site. My niece really loves conducting investigations and it's really easy to see why. All of us notice all of the lively method you make vital items via the web blog and even cause participation from some other people on this concern then our child is now being taught a lot of things. Take advantage of the rest of the year. You have been carrying out a splendid job.

  • Comment Link jordan shoes Wednesday, 02 November 2022 23:32 posted by jordan shoes

    I wanted to write you that very little word to finally say thanks over again for those spectacular tactics you have discussed here. It has been surprisingly open-handed with people like you to provide easily just what most of us could have marketed for an e-book to generate some profit for their own end, precisely considering that you could have tried it if you desired. The thoughts likewise worked to be a fantastic way to be sure that other people online have similar keenness just like my very own to find out way more around this matter. I believe there are thousands of more pleasurable opportunities up front for folks who looked at your website.

  • Comment Link golden goose Wednesday, 02 November 2022 19:22 posted by golden goose

    I wanted to create you a little bit of observation to be able to give thanks the moment again about the pleasing tricks you've shared at this time. This has been particularly open-handed with people like you to grant freely exactly what a lot of people might have made available as an ebook in making some profit on their own, even more so now that you could have done it if you desired. These good tips in addition acted as a good way to understand that other people have similar eagerness much like my personal own to understand a good deal more with respect to this issue. I am sure there are a lot more pleasurable periods in the future for individuals that scan your site.

Leave a comment

Make sure you enter all the required information, indicated by an asterisk (*). HTML code is not allowed.